Its wierd really when you think about where the year has brought you and what the next has in store for you. I can honestly say that I fear the coming year and any year there following. This year in particular has brought alot of pain my way and continues to shed more darkness upon my light.
The number 8 is a funny number like that-- I suppose had I paid attention I would have noticed what would come springing my way for the year of 2008 before I would set myself up for failure. Eight is a number of complete symmetry, both in shape and in value. If i were to divide it by 2 I would get 4; if i were to divide it by 4 I'd get 2; if i divide its shape in half it would be 2 or 4 equal parts. There would be no reason then why it should bring any type of pain anyone's way, however its more significant than that. No matter how you cut it, each side though the same is also opposite to the other. My year started off awesome, and almost halfway through took a turn for the worst.
I am now a victim of my own social, mental, and emotional suicide. The only thing that has kept me living has been friends that constantly show their faces when i have reached my lowest point--to them I say thank you. However, with those friends, there are those that seem to pull me further into an abyss.
I am in Love. And it almost seems as if I am in love with one of those people that want to tug at my limbs into the darkness. He comes always when i'm at my darkest lull, and shines my way with his light. But almost as if it were like a prank, he finds a way to bring me into an even darker place and turns off his light so that i will be even more lost in my own sorrow. How am I to deal with something as such? I trust him because i love him, and maybe he is only bringing me further into the darkness to show me a new way out. Or maybe he wishes for my demise. Whatever the case, the answer is not everpresent.
Anyway, who knows what the next year will bring, but i'll try to brace myself for the worse, and hopefully i can survive my way to yet another year.
If we must die, let it not be like hogs
Hunted and penned in an inglorious spot,
While round us bark the mad and hungry dogs,
Making their mock at our accursed lot.
If we must die, O let us nobly die,
So that our precious blood may not be shed
In vain; then even the monsters we defy
Shall be constrained to honor us though dead!
O kinsmen we must meet the common foe!
Though far outnumbered let us show us brave,
And for their thousand blows deal one deathblow!
What though before us lies the open grave?
Like men we'll face the murderous, cowardly pack,
Pressed to the wall, dying, but fighting back!
--Claude McKay
